Sunshine and Rain

The Void

You knew it was the end
That was the last phone call
As you staggered to your bed
So that it held your fall

You couldn’t even breathe
On that never ending night
Terribly breaking apart
You clutched yourself so tight

Though there’s no noise at daybreak
It brings darkness; this dawn
You can hear the emptiness
With years of all love gone

You open your swollen eyes
And see the mess that is around
it hits you then, it wasn’t a dream
Your world is crashing down

The sound of his breathing
How your laughs sounded together
His voice in the morning
All gone. This is Nether

The song you chose to dance on
Unplayed, as you sever.
The house you planned to make a home
Will remain vacant forever.

That untanned line on your finger
Will soon be all the same
Dont have to worry how a change sounds
You get to keep your name.

A constricted throat, A stabbed heart
And nothing to fill the void
Thats what a heartbreak does to you
Thats what leaves you destroyed.

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The conversations. 

Its a rainy night tonight. Me and grandma are sitting in our drawing room. She’s on the sofa and I’m sitting opposite her, on the table. 

She’s got a little stomachache. So I’m sitting around. For comfort. And security.  

She needs constant reassurance that she will be okay.  

Thats all they need by the way. A lil bit of love and security.  

Old age has made them scared. Scared for their health. Scared of loneliness. Scared of dependency. So insecure.  

Earlier, when we were young, our parents had to continuously tell us. To spend time with grandparents. Over and over again. We obliged, always did. But it was a duty.  

We were children. And our grandparents have always been so old, we never really had a connection. 

Like they say, everything has its own time. 

Ive been spending a lot more time with my dadi now. Not because she is old, or because its my duty.  

Because I want to. 

Because I want to hold her hand and tell her that Im here. She looks at me with longing eyes every time she sees me rushing about the house.  

How do I not leave everything and come sit by her side?

So anyway. We spend a lot of time talking. 

By which I mean- she talks. I listen.  

She tells me stories of her parents, of her marriage. Her medical histories and operations. Her children. And us too. Me and my brother. 

She is staring off into the distance, looking at the rain. And i observe her closely. Her soft clothes. Her barely there white hair. The soft skin. I remember her old photographs, where she is a picture of vitality. A glowing face and a strong body. When she stood upright and had fat under skin. 

Mind you- she still has a glowing face.

And the wrinkles on her body are like stories etched onto her skin. 90 years worth of stories.

Her eyes have a distant look, like they have seen a million things and remember each, vividly. 

We sit and we talk. She talks. I listen. 

I see how excited she is by just having someone listen to her.  

The chatter continues. She talks about food and pyjamas and the weather and anything thats possible. 
So after our little chat is over, She touches my cheek and I kiss her goodnight. That Ill see her the next day. 

She does make it a point to come and sit outside her room in the morning just to see me off to work everyday.

One day, I was told that she was waiting anxiously for my return. And when I ask her the reason for her anxiety, she says “I got up late today, I couldnt see you in the morning.”

 I dont think Im ever forgetting that day.

I do realise how fragile she is, and how precious life is. Yet Im comforted by the fact that she is here, now. And will continue to be so for the years to come.  

She’s old. And with age, come a thousand worries and ailments. I see my parents care for our grandparents day and night. Their selflessness amazes me. I wish to grow up and be like them.  

Our lives revolve around our grandparents routines and health, which believe me, is Okay.  

I wouldn’t trade this for another life. Ever. 

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She was magic to me.

On a tenebrous night
She would lay on her back
Stare into the vastness
Stare into the black

Get lost into those hours
Lose herself in that time
She was the darkness
But she was also the light.

A mind, so perplexed
A heart desirous of truth
For long hours she would gaze
At the horizon, when she could.

With hardly any belongings
Just a few, here and there
She walked onto her journey
Honestly, to nowhere.

How could she choose a goal?
There were far too many
Oh love! Oh family! Oh dear friends
And yes, success and money.

So she scrambled on and on and on
Life, being such a maze
But yes, there was honesty,
And passion in her ways.

The way she knew what she wanted
Also, what she did not
The way she might get a little scared
But her battles, she bravely fought

How could you then, not love her?
How could your heart not skip
Each time that she would smile that smile
How would your stomach not flip?

And yet sometimes in her sleep
In that midnight blur,
You could see her eyeballs roving
With the nightmares that plagued her.

The fears, the agony, the heartache
She carried bravely in her heart
She felt and lived through everything
So what if she was scarred?

She still loved the rainbows
She even loved the rains
And even though a grown up,
She could be a child again.

The walk for her hasn’t ended
Though she did hold my hand
And I cross my days thinking of her
And what of her, became.

Her soul wasn’t an easy one
But I’m still on my knee
Not everyone saw her sparkle
But she was magic to me.

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Its a dark night tonight.

When it hurts you so bad
And it gets hard to breathe
When your world is silent
Yet the mind only screams

When the scars on your body
Aren’t painful enough
When you feel like giving up
But you try to be tough

You try to be strong
You try to hold on
Put on a brave face
And wade into the storm

But the tide is too high
And you cant keep abreast
As you’re sucked into a vortex
Of misery and death

In times of these trials
Its hard to see hope
When you’re struggling
And crying and dying to float

You want to stop trying
And Just let it go
You wish it was possible
To flow with the flow

It doesn’t make sense
And the pieces dont fit
The soul now aches
And begs for you to quit

Im scared that I might
Not make it through the night
Might give in to this darkness
Might throw away this life.

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Prayers for Grandpa.

Breathe in.
Here, hold my hand.
I know it will be tough.
But take it easy,
Take it slow.
Gently, you must let me go.

Im not scared anymore
Im not crying.
I get violent sometimes.
But thats just my body dying.
My soul lives for you
My words of love are true.
But believe me when i tell u so,
It is time, let me go.

It will hurt
Like a million daggers
Right through your chest.
You will bleed; everyday.
Night and day. Night and day.
I will come, as gentle reminders
To tell you its okay
To remind you, that I’m okay.

Too long; this darkness
Too long; this night
Bless me by not grieving.
Let me see the light.

Oftentimes you shall not sleep
And mournful teardrops
Every second
Will slither down your cheeks.
No words will bring you solace
But remember in those times-
I never left. Im there:

Im the roses that we loved.
Im the sunshine after rains.

Im your warmth when you are alone.
Im with you, in your pain.

I promise to be there for you.
So make it easy for me.
Please be strong
Here, take my hand
Breathe out.
Set me free.

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I close my eyes
to the drops of rain

musical notes.

a light mind
travels to towns and cities

under the stars.
in the darkness
comforting solitude.

the untrodden road
my unfinished book
that unparalleled love

a dull lullaby
runs in the background
i still haven’t found
what I’m looking for. 

in a warm cafe
in the snow.

or the hazy sunrise.

in loneliness
and the crowds.

in the poems i write
the songs i sing.



and yet,
seems far away.

an unfinished cup of tea
awaits me.

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For My Mommy <3

Unspoken words
Undescribed feelings
But still,
You know it all.

Silent dreams
Quiet hopes
You know it all.

Troubling times
Depressing moods
Even then,
You know it all.

Happiness, joy
Love and care
My life,
You know it all.

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Have a little faith..

I don’t say there’s a God
I don’t even say there’s none
But in the silence of my heart
In those dark, deep nights
I often pray to him.

Along the rugged road we walk
Sometimes tripping and falling
There comes at times
A helping hand.
The touch of love

Its easy to believe we’re scientific creatures
No doubt, we actually are
But I wonder who plans
When a miracle works
And we are thanking the stars.

When all the radiance of the world is gone
No candle flickers with hope
There’s a light out there
A light in me
And so, I carry on.


My second rainbow

Ages pass and time flies
I see you once in an eon
A brief glance, momentary solace
Like the drifting cloud, you’re gone.

Like the gentle mist
That vanishes with the night
At the crack of dawn.
The morning light.

Like the shooting star
In the dark sky
Crossing the infinite
In the blink of my eye.

I’ll hold my heart
In sun and rain
Till my second rainbow
Appears again.

The Door Within

After the work of the day finishes
My to-do list all checked and done,
As the dark pall falls on Earth,
After the setting Sun

I quietly retire from the chores
And tip-toe to that place in the nook
Where no one can reach me for a while
Where no one can look.

Where I don’t have to hear voices
Other than that of my heart.
Where I don’t need to sacrifice
Where I don’t need to part.

Where my dreams come alive
and no feelings suppressed.
A life full of passion,
No love repressed.

As I sneak away from this world,
To the edge of my mind
I open the door within me,
In there, myself I find.

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